The Elusive Friend

Have you ever had a friend that you weren’t certain really was your friend? It’s happened to me, many times. You want to know what the most frustrating thing is? Lack of equal effort on both sides. To me, effort is the most important thing when keeping and maintaining friendships. Having friends has never been something I’ve been particularly good at. I mean when you can’t talk to someone without your heart racing in your chest it makes it pretty hard to make a friend in the first place. Now, once I feel I’ve actually succeeded in making a friend, I examine the crap out of every interaction we have. Let me explain.

If we go from texting every day to suddenly texting a couple times a week, I start to panic. What have I done wrong? Was it something I said? Something I forgot to say? My anxiety eats away inside of me with every text I send them, hoping I’m saying the right thing and praying that my jokes don’t come off as ‘rude’ or ‘inappropriate’. Being straightforward and asking what’s going on with this lack of communication is not my strong suit so I generally just keep worrying about it day after day.

Recently I’ve been getting better at this though because at some point I realized that if there was at least one social platform I was going to get more fearless in, it was going to be texting. Because honestly the fact that I get anxiety over words on a screen upsets me in ways I cannot understand. Yes words have power, but I’m trying my best not to let them take power over me. That’s all for today.

Over and out.

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