Hello all. Sorry it’s been awhile but I’ve been extremely busy lately. For the first time in my life my social calendar feels just a little too overwhelming. This past weekend was a big one for me and my anxiety. Lets start with the basics, shall we?
This past weekend was my boyfriend’s birthday. He was totally excited about having all his friends come, but also kinda worried that people might not show up at all. Me, on the other hand, felt something more along the lines of intense fear when thinking about the party. Like I’ve said in the past, me and parties simply do not mix on any level. So the morning of the party, I was completely freaked out.
It was a completely irrational reaction considering the party was going to be very low key, with no heavy drinking or dancing or anything like that. Nevertheless try telling my anxiety that. I was a complete mess. As I sat on the edge of my bed trying to straighten my unmanageable hair I was crying my eyes out. I couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t control the tears. My chest felt as though it were going to explode. That’s right, I was having a panic attack. In fact, I had several small ones all throughout the morning until I had to leave the house. My thoughts exploded inside my head: I don’t know if I can do this. Why can’t I stop crying? It’s too late for this, you’ve already agreed to go. It’s important to him that you’re there. My internal battle lasted almost all morning long.
Once I got there, I hyperventilated in my car for a couple minutes before finally ringing the door bell. The door bell is apparently broken so I ended up standing outside feeling awkward and anxious as hell waiting for someone to open up.
A couple hours later after everyone had arrived and I had positioned myself in a chair in the corner of the room (behind everyone else but with a clear path to the kitchen if I needed an escape) I finally started to feel comfortable. Most people were focused on playing video games on the big screen so it was easy for me to fade into the background. I was eventually pushed into playing some games myself (even though I suck at them) and had a little fun for once. It was hard to get myself to that point but it was so worth it to actually be able to relax and have fun for once.
I was proud of myself. I didn’t just shrink into a ball and hide the whole night. I didn’t bolt after the first couple hours like I usually do. I didn’t even have a panic attack when I was there. I had a taste of normality, and I don’t want to give it up. Over and out my friends!